Panhandlers

When done right, these people can actually add some to the metro ride. For instance the sax player who claims he was a lawyer and then decided to play for a living. Fun to listen too. The asian dude with either a souped up zither or dulcimer. Fun to listen too. The random mariachi band that shows up around May 5. Fun to listen too. The brothers that bang out some sweat beats with nothing but a bunch of plastic buckets. Really fun to listen too. The acapella group at Metro Center. Fun to listen too.

These people I like. The random dudes who walk around peddling useless crap, like the multicolored, flashing LEDs for your cell phone or as a necklace. Those guys drive me a little crazy.

Running shoes and slacks don't mix

If you've been in the working world for any amount of time, you've noticed the phenomenon of people who wear tennis shoes to work and then change them to dress shoes once at work. An alternative to this is people who wear boots or something similar when it snows because a) they don't want to ruin their shoes and b) the boots have better traction.

Now I'm fine with people changing up gear for inclement weather or if they have some kind of injury. What gets me are the ones, specifically guys, that wear tennis shoes to work normally and then change. I work in the city and have to walk to various work sites, so I understand that making your feet comfortable during the day is important. Walking around the city is pretty uncomfortable if your shoes kill your feet. So if your job requires you to walk around city blocks a bunch, more comfortable shoes are ok.

But I saw a guy today who walked off the metro, wearing a suit, and into his office building that was about 20 feet from the metro stop, and wearing tennis shoes! The first thought in my head was maybe he had some kind of foot or ankle injury. But his walk appeared to be pretty free of stress. No limp. No foot dragging behind him. I can only assume that he figured wearing tennis shoes was an acceptable practice since more and more people seem to do it. Or maybe he was scared of the weather forecast of potential rain today. But really, come on guy. It's 20 feet of covered walk to your office. Unless you're running a marathon before getting on the train, have serious toejam, or an foot allergy to leather, you really have no excuse. Be a professional and man up.

Close call

The other day I witnessed perhaps the most fantastic balance recovery ever. This disaster could have been epic. I'll set the scene.

I boarded the train at Metro Center, after letting two blind passengers on first. The passengers took the two handicap seats next to the middle entrance of the car. Normally I don't take note of handicapped passengers, but two blind passengers were something to note because it was such a rare occurrence. We were riding jauntily along to National Airport. A guy boarded the train along with three extremely packed pieces of luggage, plus a large laptop bag. He made camp by the entrance way, easily within falling distance of the blind couple, and proceeded to try to balance himself as the train continued.

The rule of thumb is, one hand for you and one hand for the boat, er train. Clearly, this had the potential to be a recipe for catastrophe if the train had had to make a sudden stop or rocked from side to side. Sure enough, the train stopped suddenly. The passenger with the bags adopted the position of having the laptop bag resting on his luggage while reading his email on his Blackberry. He didn't have a hand to support himself, violating the common sense rule. He began to fall over his suitcases and laptop bag, in the direction of the blind couple. In the course of his fall, his extremely top heavy bags started to fall towards the couple as well. Fortunately, this guy was blessed with the balance of a gazelle or something because not only did he save his baggage from falling into the blind couple, but he managed to recover himself as well. Truly a remarkable athletic feat. My hat is off to you sir, whoever you are. Job well done.

I need a transportation engineer

Can someone explain how this makes sense? Delays occur on metro, this is just a fact of life. It's a mechanical device and things are going to break down. The frustrating thing with delays is when they occur and how they are dealt with. Nothing is more infuriating than to be sitting on a track going one direction with the announcement that you are stopped because of delays in the opposite direction. This never ceases to confuse me.

I actually did ask a civil engineer, since transportation engineer wasn't within inquiry distance, and she explained to me that it is because the trains are a closed system. If the train line continues to operate as normal, with a stoppage somewhere along the line, it will cause further delays throughout that line. Fine. I don't like the explanation, but it makes sense a little.

But the delay that happens with me frequently is this. My stop is at the end of the line. There are two tracks at the station, each track operates the length of the line, but there is also a switch in between the two of them. At least twice a week we stop before the switch for a couple of minutes while the train at the station leaves. This I don't understand. Each track has a dedicated line and the ability to change tracks. Why stop? Further more, why stop before the switch when a delay is encountered further up the line, as happened the other day? We waited 10 minutes for the problem to resolve itself, and WE WERE WITHIN VIEW OF THE STATION!!!! Wouldn't it make sense to just pull the train into the station and wait for the delay to end? It's the end of the line, your riders want off. Come on metro, think this through!!

Why Pay For A Gym Membership?

In addition to providing, eh hem, a dependable environment for its riders, Metro also allows its riders to work out while commuting through creative usage of materials in the car. Riders may participate in the following activities:

• Pole spinning. Spinning around the standing poles until dizziness leads to loss of balance. Riders should chart spinning time to loss of balance and gradually increase the length of time before ending on the floor.
• Calf stretches. After spinning ad nauseum, the rider may find that their calves require stretching. The rider is encouraged to use the walls and barriers of metro to stretch their legs (see diagram for proper form).

• Pull ups. Utilizing the hand bars running across the ceiling, the rider may attempt as many pull ups until failure. The rider is encouraged to increase stamina and endurance so that the number of pullups increases over time.
  
• Bar flips. An advanced move where the rider hangs from the ceiling bar. The rider then swings their legs up and through the gap between their arms and the bar, landing facing the starting direction. The rider is encouraged to avoid landing in the lap of the nearest passenger.

And yes, all four of these activities were witnessed over the summer. Metro riders are nothing if not fit.

Back to School

Ah, my favorite time of year. The weather starts to change, the leaves start to turn, the smell of the grill fills the air, and conversation turns to the grid iron. Also, this marks the end of tourist season in the DC area and a return to normalcy on metro.

I find it ironic that when the weather is most frustrating on metro during the summer (hot and humid), that it is also packed with people who are totally unfamiliar with the guidelines for riding on metro. Things like if you're not walking up the escalator, you stand on the right. If you don't, you get that large angry lady shouting at you "Excuse me!!! Stand on the right, walk on the left!!!"

Also, metro's designers would have you believe it's a commuting system, as most of the ridership works downtown. When you get on the train, you'll notice that no one talks to any one else, even if they're next door neighbors. And if people do talk, they get shot dirty looks and people turn up their iPods. On the metro, the riders want to be in their own world, listen to their iPods, and read their newpapers or books. Tourists don't understand this immediately, which makes them easy to identify because they're all chatty about whatever activity they just came from. The more outgoing tourist will engage YOU in conversation, usually about what the train conductor just said. Deciphering a conductor's announcements tends to be like understanding someone after they have just been punched in the mouth. Clearly, annunciation isn't on the checklist of things to look for in a train conductor.

Talking on cell phones also has it's own separate expectation. You have two categories of people who use their phone on the metro. You either have the hushed talker or the loud talker. Metro would prefer that all conversations be conducted in muted tones. Again, easy to identify the tourists because they're shouting into their cells. You also get the random passenger who feels that the rest of the car should know about their conversation. This happens primarily in the tunnels where people have a hard time hearing and shout because they think the people on the other end of the conversation are experiencing the same thing.

Moving to the center of the car when boarding is an advanced concept few seem to grasp, unless the car is extremely full. First time riders will tend to stand closest to the door where they can get in everyone's way and also look at the system map after every stop to make sure they know where they are. This isn't restricted to rookies though. Daily commuters will stand next to the door if they are riding a few stops, but at least anticipate which side of the car the doors will open and move to the opposite side.

The tourists do have one up on the normal riders, they clean up after themselves. The Washinton Post and Washington Times both publish free newspapers, which are distributed at all of the metro stations. While this service is appreciated, it means that you can sit in just about every seat on the train and find a paper to read because the regular commuters read theirs and simply leave them on the train. Tourists tend to take their trash with them when they leave the train.

The most enjoyable part of the end of tourist season is that the prized find, an empty seat, happens more frequently from now until the start of tourist season in the spring. That is unless a charter bus pulls in somewhere and fills a couple of cars.

Everybody's a comedian

I flew to Houston to visit family over the long weekend. Our flight was Monday morning, missing the over hyped hurricane Gustav. On the return flight, I noticed that one of the flight attendants (a dude) was being overly chatty and yucking it up with the passengers in front of me. But that's his job to be jovial right? No big deal. As chuckles was making his way up the aisle my direction, the lady next to me went to the bathroom.

I was thoroughly engaged in the latest Scientific American and didn't notice the flight attendant standing next to me. He asked "Sir, do you have any trash?" I had a napkin from the HA-YUGE sandwich they provided on the flight, so I threw it in the bag he was holding. He asked "Do you have anything else?" Still oblivious, I said "No." "What's that then?" he asked pointing to the seat next to me. Looking back at me was a big pile of poo!! My eyes probably looked like this.




The flight attendant found this quite hilarious, and with good reason. I love a good poo practical joke! Made me laugh the rest of the flight. Excellent work Mr. Flight Attendant, excellent work.

Small World

I was riding home on a, brace yourself, packed train! No seats to be had anywhere. Kids were even sitting on their parents laps. But the A/C was working well, so I wasn't that cranky. I was in the middle of a good read (this was before I started using Audible to get books on my iPod), and was looking forward to the 45 minute train ride to make some decent headway on the wonderful world of Greenspan. The book was a pretty heavy hardback though (if you've read Age of Turbulence you know what I'm talking about), so I couldn't stand in the middle of the car and read like I normally do. I needed to lean against something and use two hands. You know, for safety. Since I didn't want to be that guy leaning against the glass at the door entrance, I went to the back of the car and stood in the aisle, against the door. I've found that this space is quality for reading on the metro. You're standing in a spot where you don't get bumped when people exit and because it's in the back of the car it's not that crowded. As I was reading, I hadn't noticed that the car was getting increasingly filled to capacity and that the book was slowly lowering. Both relatively insignificant items of note, or so I thought. As I read, I would raise the book higher to read easier, and it would lower because holding a weight at a fixed point is butt hard. At one point the book hit some resistance, ending the up and down cycle. Now this didn't add up. I was standing up and there wasn't any obstruction (like a backpack from someone standing in front of me) that I could see. So I lifted up the book to see what I had hit. Surprise, surprise, there was a midget standing underneath my book! My book had been resting on top of a midget's head!!! Apparently the little person had been pushed further back as the car filled up, and stood underneath my book. I uttered a hasty apology, and got some sort of midget speak back that I can only interpret as "S'all right." Woops!

If you can't take the heat...

Thankfully, summer is coming to an end. I say this not because I'm glad the seasons are changing. No, I say this because metro cannot figure out how get a decent A/C system running on their cars. Oh, and the underground stations. Ever wanted to lose 20 pounds in hurry? Pick an underground station, any one will do, and stand there for say 30 minutes. If you're not a sweaty, stinking mess, consider yourself lucky because you clearly don't have active merocrine glands. Now the rest of us, we suffer.

Now it's bad enough the trains are stifling on a good day, but factor in a significant delay, like the 45 minute one the other day, plenty of tourists, and you have a recipe for disaster. Or as I like to call it, Tuesday. On this particular ride home, my car was PACKED and HOT. In fact, hot doesn't describe it. Boiling, and that's being generous. This woman had been standing before I got on the train, and stood (or tired too as I'll get to) all the way to the end with me, typically a 45 minute trip. However, on this day, delays happened all over the line because, it was boiling. Everyone knows that on boiling days, metro can't seem to get a train running on time if the apocalypse depended on it. Now these weren't the normal 5-10 minute delays. No, these were single track delays causing havoc all over the place. So we sat. And sat. And sat some more. In a tunnel. With no A/C and a faulty fan system. As I glanced around, I noticed the lady was starting to sway back and forth. Bad sign. Shortly after, she passed out and fell forward, hitting her head on the hand rail. Nothing starts a little panic like someone passing out. Someone gave up their seat so the lady could have it. She was sitting down for about five minutes and then puked all over the place. What is it with me and riders throwing up? Come on people, get an iron stomach. Someone gave her a plastic bag to empty the rest of her stomach into, but the damage was done. Boiling car, little air flow, and an excruciating ride to the next stop where I hopped into the next car down, which had working A/C. Go figure.

I hate puke

I was riding home from a happy hour in DC with a buddy of mine. The usual metro related talk ensued: metro is annoying especially in the summer time with tourists, work is annoying and it would be better to play golf all day or sit on the beach and drink beer, football is the only sport in America that matters. The train stopped at Pentagon City, and an elderly gentleman stumbled on the train. We had started to debate whether the blue line was better than the orange line, when the old dude bumped past us. He mumbled something that I can only assume was an apology. Either that or a Gypsy curse. As he sat down in the handicapped section, I noticed that he looked positively ill, and smelled like alcohol. The train ride continued without incident for three stops, when the head of the drunken guy started lulling to one side of his head. About five seconds later, he leaned forward and booted all over the empty spot in front of him. The smell and sight of puke is enough to make me queasy, but this wasn't your normal, commute home puke. This was geriatric, too much red wine vomit. Just the nastiest crimson substance ever. An escape route was needed STAT. At the next stop, it was nothing short of a stampede for the door. Another ride home on the metro met with appalling disgust...

The Committee for Stench Reduction

This morning started with a slight headache, nothing that a cup of coffee wouldn't fix (a cup of coffee that I have yet to have). Anyway, we'll keep this short, since I am off to get that cup of coffee. With that said - the stench on the 54 this morning was enough to make me want to vomit. As a matter of fact, I was hoping that someone would walk on the bus who had gone a little overboard with the perfume this morning. Perfume itself is a smell that often makes me want to gag, but today it would have been a welcomed scent.

Most times when you are on the bus and you get hit by an awful scent you can do a quick assessment and determine where the stench is coming from. It is usually pretty obvious. However, with today's smell - there was simply no obvious point of origin.

I am writing my ANC commissioner today and asking that he start the Committee for Stench Reduction. In addition to $1.35, a smart trip or a transfer you will need a card that says you have been vetted for proper hygiene - and that you're not emmiting any offensive odors.

I will let you know what I hear back.

Why you can't eat on Metro

Not because of the ad campaign praising the lack of rodents on the train. No, it's to stop me from jacking those chicken nuggets you brought on the train and sat behind me eating, with.... BBQ sauce!!!! Curse you woman!!!! My stomach sounded like a wildebeast on the Serengeti.

Who ever said you shouldn't judge a book by its cover?

Not to long ago, at a bus stop just 1 block away from my house...this is a story of when I realized my mom was not correct, and sometimes the book is ALL ABOUT THE COVER...

It was another morning where I had to battle to get out of bed, but after some internal debate I realized it was my solemn duty to get out of bed, so I could go to work and earn my boss more money. On this particular morning I knew that I was gonna need backup, so before I went to catch the 54 down 14th street I decided to stop at the new Dunkin Donuts in Columbia Heights. Anyways, I grabbed a medium coffee, with cream and 1 spelnda and headed to the bus stop. Joining me at the bus stop were the regulars, 1 out of 6 sipping from a brown paper bag. Now, I don't need to tell you what was in the brown paper bag, but I'm guessing it wasn't Fugi water. After about 15 minutes, the 54 comes barreling down 14th street and the folks at my bus stop load up the bus, the gentleman with the brown paper bag, right in front of me. As I went to swipe my Smart Trip the bus driver stopped me and told me that I couldn't bring the coffee on board the bus. When i made a gentle head tilt towards my friend swigging "Fugi water" out of a brown paper bag the bus driver told me, "Next time wise up like your friend and put it in a bag, now either spill it out or get off". Needless to say, I was in no real hurry, so I walked off the bus, finished my coffee and sure enough due to the excellent scheduling of the busses, 2 minutes later there was yet another 54 bus for me to catch.

Lesson learned: When drinking beverages on the Metro Bus system, it is ALL ABOUT THE COVER

We'll start with this

First rule of thumb for Metro. When you have to be somewhere in a hurry, there WILL be delays. So of course, I'm in a hurry to get home from work and of course there are major delays on the blue line. Apparently there were delays on a separate line going in the opposite direction of my train. I need a transportation engineer to explain why my train (south bound) was experiencing delays from another train going north bound. But this is not the point, at least not for this post. What is the point is that I was extremely frustrated. How frustrated? Ever see the Hulk movies? Banner gets all pissed off and then rages out on everyone in Hulk form. Yeah, that was my frustration level. But there is a happy ending to my travels. About half way home, a bunch of Europeans (you can always spot them) with suitcases get on my car and clog the entrance way. About three stops later, some random guy gets on and politely excuses himself through the tangle they have made. In the process of the guy passing them, one of the Europeans drops their hands from the guide rail, just as the train lurches forward. The European goes head over heels over suitcase and takes out another of his buddies. Pandemonium ensues and the train continues on. This is my moment of joy for the commute home. Oh happy happy day.